Newseater - Adult Edition

While the rest of the industry has gone parody silly, knocking off everything from our childhood sitcom viewing so far except “Three’s Company” [Ed. Nope, they did that one too!], DCypher (that’s me) thought it would be funny to spoof spoofs, with a porn poking fun of “At The Movies.” You have to admit that Adam & Eve contract darling Bree Olson and redophile heartthrob Faye Reagan are much sexier to watch than Ebert & Roeper, right?

Referencing puerile classics like “Raging Balls,” “The Wizard of Cunt,” “Live Free & Fuck Hard,” “Fucks With Wolves,” “Diddler on the Roof,” “One Fucked Over the Cuckold’s Nest,” “Midnight Cowgirl,” “Schindler’s Fist,” and the Japanese tentacle porn themed musical “The Sound of Hard Fucking,” the girls eventually review spoof scenes crafted around such pornified titles as “Hairy Pussy & the Sorcerer’s Bone,” “E.T.: The Extra Testicle,” “Spiderpussy,” and “A Cock In Lips Now” before turning on each other in a juicy display of sapphic authenticity assured to curl toes and melt your new high definition screen.

What kind of antics does the movie include? Well, for starters, Bree’s especially entertaining as a military assassin sent to the jungles of Southeast Asia to liquidate Col. Dick Hurtz, played convincingly enough by the muscle bound stud Tommy Gunn. In the process of trying to fuck each other within an inch of their beautiful lives, they nearly demolish the set (accidents will happen!). Madison Scott plays a particularly emotionally unbalanced super heroine in “Spiderpussy,” unleashing a hauntingly ferocious sexual performance on Evan Stone. Fleshbot Crush Object Shawna Lenee beefs up her international relations credentials (pun well intended) with Latin born Marco, and manages to tackle thorny national security issues at the same time—with her tiny, wet, pink butterfly! (Lou Dobbs would be impressed!) And last but not least, Dane Cross apes a popular bespectacled young wizard whose brainy gal pal turns out to be a pussy hair’s breadth shy of a full blown sex addict behind closed doors. Baby faced newcummer Jewel Styles plays Horny Whoremoine, ever inventing new perils for her beau to conquer in the quest for harder kink.

“Bree’s Big Screw Review” is set to release through Adam & Eve in 2009, but you can sneak a peek with us right now by checking out these behind the scenes photos we snapped just for you. Keep your fingers crossed for another episode!

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Original post by DCypher

Now that we’ve crossed the precipice into the cold heart of a lonely winter recession, it’s hard to recall the halcyon days behind us. Fading images wistfully haunt our memories like ghostly vapors, as we try to relive those days spent lounging and exploring new levels of excess—like when we had those 17 stunning lesbians come over to the sun drenched West Coast Fleshbot mansion in bikinis and frivolously frolic in and out of the pool in varying states of undress while midgets in diapers lend a vacillating air of depravity and absurdity. And just when we thought it was all a forgotten dream, Tera Patrick goes and releases her latest “all star” lesbian pool party movie… and it all comes rushing back to us. God bless you, Miss Patrick!

If our extensive experience in this area has taught us one thing, it’s that we can’t bring this many lascivious porn stars together without them eventually fucking each other senseless. And, as we’d expect, Tera Patrick, Daisy Marie, Daisy Dukes, Madison Scott, Kayla Paige, Angie Savage, Mya Luanna, Charmane Star, Lexi Belle, Maya Gates, Shawna Lenee, and several of their friends do exactly that, stripping out of their bikinis and lapping away at each other like kittens enjoying seventeen fresh bowls of cream. The results are disturbingly good, making us feel as immoral and decadent as an AIG executive with a golden parachute after the bail out. Move over, Hef—Tera wants to show you what the grotto should look like every single day of the week.

If anything, Tera’s given us hope in a way that even our President Elect can only allude to. While most of us will have to tighten our belts this holiday season, finding pleasure in the simple joys of life, we can always look forward to history repeating itself. Our eyes are glassy after watching these lovely ladies work themselves into a frenzy, dreaming of a time when we will once again be able to blaze up our medical grade hydroponic with freshly minted hundred dollar bills. In fact, with ideas this good, we’re thinking Tera for Prez 2012. You with us?

“Tera Patrick’s Pool Party” is available this week.

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· Teravision (teravision.com)

Original post by DCypher

It’s not every day that we here at Fleshbot HQ talk about a 4 hour compilation release —but then again, it’s not every day that the reigning Queen of Porn, Tera Patrick, releases the best of what she’s got for your viewing pleasure. Today, however, just so happens to be that day. The good perverts over at Teravision have pored over their extensive archives, piecing togethe the very best of what they had to offer into one fantastic release: and quite honestly, it is rather impressive.

Tera Patrick and her rockstar pimp husband Spyder get down and grungy together, but they also have scenes with other people—which, we must say, are pretty great. Some of the highlights: Tera gets drilled by Tommy Gunn while Spyder Jones services his model perfect blond friend; sapphic sweetheart Angie Savage takes a wild ride on the stiff prick of her rocker ex-hubby (a rare treat to catch given her aversion to boy-girl scenes); Sasha Grey turns out another amazing performance (as always), as do Nikki Benz, Jayna Oso, Paola Rey, Tiffany Taylor, Ava Lauren, Katrina Kat, Selena Draagon, Lexie Marie, Regan Reese, and Bobbie Eden (we’re tired just typing that!).

Our only complaint, if we’re going to be totally honest, is that there isn’t enough Tera in it for us. Seriously, if you’re going call something “Tera Patrick Superstar,” shouldn’t she star in more than two scenes? Still, we’ll take what we can get—and eagerly wait for whatever our favorite porn Queen offers up next.

Tera Patrick Superstar releases this week from Teravision.

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· Teravision (teravision.com)

Original post by DCypher

Most porn enthusiasts, even those with merely a hobby-level interest in medium, know exactly who both Bree Olson and Sasha Grey are—largely due to their collective smut ubiquity. Yes, chances are strong that if you’ve enjoyed straight pornographic materials in the last 18 months, you have at one time or another borne witness to these feisty and prolific young starlets churning out some unforgettably incendiary performance (one that is more than likely indelibly lodged in the secret folds of your spank bank, eagerly waiting for you to revisit it). Between the two of them, they have collectively won 18,000 awards, starred in a innumerable scenes, and are now working on their mainstream movies while their overworked staff answer calls about crossover endorsements and plan their respective runs for Congress on the “Fuck The Vote” platform.

So hat better time for Adam & Eve Pictures to present us with Andre Madness’s newest release, “Bree and Sasha,” which deftly blends the sheer orgasmic poetry of AVN’s Best New Starlet Bree Olson with the sexual complexity and existential angst of AVN’s Performer of the Year Sasha Grey? The girls plow through piles of deliciously velvety pink goodness, swimming the proverbial Sapphic backstroke in the juices of knockout beauties such as Lexxi Tyler, Lisa Neils, Angie Savage, Samantha Ryan, Sophia Santi and the insatiable (former) contract star Ava Rose. The end result is some of the best girl on girl action we’ve seen in a while, which, uh, caused us hours of delay in prepping this post.

Like peanut butter and chocolate, Bree and Sasha are two great tastes that taste great together. “Bree and Sasha” is available this week.

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· Adam and Eve (adameve.com)

Original post by DCypher

Buzz around the swank cocaine-upholstered offices of Hollywood agents was that Wicked’s angel pic “Fallen” was being pitched as “It’s A Wonderful Life”-meets-”Wings of Desire”-meets a faceful of xup. Read our review after the gap.

. . .

Fallen

Studio: Wicked
Director: Brad Armstrong
Cast: jessica drake, Jenna Haze, Brad Armstrong, Shyla Stylez, Angie Savage, Ryder Skye, Jennifer Dark, Jada Fire, Lana Croft, Gianna Lynn, Michelle McLaren

“Yes. Right in that little fuckhole,” says Jenna Haze in the opening scene of Fallen, a guardian angel-out-of-grace tale from Wicked. But I don’t think it’s relevant to the story.

drake plays Haze’s guardian angel, and when Haze dies in a freak elevator crash, drake feels guilty for screwing up at work. You see, Haze’s boyfriend, played by Armstrong, was going to ask her to marry him that night, but Haze decided to go home instead—via elevator.

While it is not lost on this turtlenecked cineaste that Haze dying while going down is a metaphor for angels in general and the state of porn in particular, what is odd is that drake, a supernatural being, gets stuck behind a locked apartment building door.

“It was my job to protect her,” drake says, a feather falling to her pointy white angel boots. “And I failed.”

This was four years ago, and drake has been fired. Still immortal, she drifts toward the dark side, feeling no love “from above.”

Can she be redeemed? Will she turn her back on heaven? That is the theme of Fallen, and not the theme of Dirtpipe Milkshakes 2.

drake visits the seedy, smoky, and dimly lit (a Wicked trademark) fleshpots of Los Angeles after musing prettily atop a building with the L.A. skyline behind her.

Poor drake. Now that she is no longer an angel, the cops think she is a hooker. But then she meets Armstrong, the former boyfriend of dead Jenna Haze. He is a bike messenger now, and they bump into each other when he spills coffee on her. Another metaphor for what he will eventually spill on her? You’re goddamn right.

But lonelyhearts Armstrong is the innocent side of drake’s new life. She still needs to purge herself of the fleshly temptations she has enjoyed since her wings were clipped. She stops by Jennifer Dark’s house to watch her getting reamed.

Finally she goes on a date with Brad. At his house she notices a photo of Haze, her lost charge. She freaks out.

“I took the stairs for months after that,” Armstrong says. “Even after they fixed {the elevator}.”

The coincidence is all too weird for the fallen angel. She returns to a life of debauchery, blowing Herschel Savage on his cab, inserting things into Angie Savage, and saying things like “it’s all too weird.”

Fallen sometimes bows under the weight of its own earnestness, and the dialogue at times falls flat, but both drake and Armstrong acquit themselves nicely to a script that leaves lots of room to make her look glamorous, him look sensitive and easygoing, and us believe there is a God who lets His ex-employees go to orgies and stick dildoes in Angie Savage.

The movie resolves in a twist ending. I don’t know if couples actually watch porn together or if that is a myth, but Fallen proves itself to be a satisfying and well-shot high-end porn with a moral: don’t step into an elevator after saying “fuckhole.”

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· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)
· Buy “Fallen” (gamelink.com)

Original post by Gram Ponante