Newseater - Adult Edition

The powers that be may have declared going topless to be so last season, but as far as we (and, apparently, the Raelians) are concerned it’ll never go out of style. In a salute to the women who aren’t afraid to take their tops off for their adoring public—whether they know their adoring public is looking or not—we’ve rounded up some of our favorite celebrity nipple sightings. Consider our way of protesting—because when famous boobs call, who can’t help but listen?

. . .

Cindy Crawford

China Chow

Sienna Miller

Maria Beatriz Anthony

Portia de Rossi

Emma Tweed

Kate Moss

Penny Lancaster

Nereida Gallardo

Naomi Campbell

Original post by Lux Alptraum

Cindy Crawford may be “retired” or whatever it is supermodels do when they stop walking down runways and just spend all of their time hanging out on yachts with their swimsuit tops off so that the paparazzi can take pictures of them, which is kind of like modeling in its own way, but … wait, what were we talking about again? Oh, yeah—we still want to see Cindy Crawford naked. Old habits die hard.

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Original post by Dashiell Bennett

Full-time porn director and part-time amateur proctologist Mike Johns added another line to his list of weighty credentials this week with the release of his latest exploration into the elasticity of female nether regions: he’s also proved himself to be a theoretical astrophysicist to be reckoned with. See, while you might think “Elastic Assholes 6″ is just another excuse for the likes of Velicity Von, Dana DeArmond, Britney Stevens, Adrianna Nicole, Cindy Crawford, and Sarah to strut their stuff, it’s really an incredibly detailed exploration of certain discrepancies in the time-space continuum which strongly suggest that certain individuals are not bound by the usual rules of post-Newtonian anal capacity as scientists have understood them these last several hundred years. (One needs only to watch Adrianna Nicole’s backside swallowing Sean Michaels in his veritable entirety to understand the magnitude of this discovery.) Take that, Steven Hawking!

. . .

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· Order: “Elastic Assholes 6″ (Adult DVD Empire)
· “Elastic Assholes 6″ (DVD info and trailers @ julesjordanvideo.com)

Original post by DCypher

In our private correspondence, you have often told me that squirting has a certain “majesty.” “It seems like they’re giving back,” you said. In performer/director John E. Depth’s “I Make It Rain,” in which he plays a sex therapist to Charley Chase, the countertransference begins almost immediately—but one must look very closely to find the squirting.

Sometimes male performers can’t perform, and are sent home. But women with an advertised talent for squirting sometimes don’t squirt. In such cases they stay right where they are and the movie changes around them.

I make it rain / Who make it rain? / I make it rain/ Ooooo! announces the theme song to “I Make It Rain.”

Why Depth is a sex therapist in this movie is unclear, as Chase knows everything she needs to do. Maybe her health insurance allowed her more sessions than she actually needed and she decided to use them all up, the way I did when I got that gift certificate to Claim Jumper and ate all that food just so I wouldn’t appear ungrateful.

Squirting came to the fore in the western world’s mind with the advent of Cytherea, who was a slip of a thing. But Depth chooses women who are a bit thicker, like Chase (pictured)), Flower Tucci, Jada Fire, and Cindy Crawford, and that makes all the difference.

But Chase does not erupt volcanically. “There it is! There it is!” cries Depth at one point, but it seems more for the benefit of fraud lawyers.

Still, Chase has a smoky, scratchy Brenda Vaccaro voice, which makes up for a lot. I think Depth, deprived of such a graphic display of squirting, fell in love instead.

· John E. Depth (itsabigblackthing.com)
· Buy “I Make It Rain” (gamelink.com)

Original post by Gram Ponante

Audrey Hollander is surprised when her yearly gyno checkup gets too familiar: “Any tenderness? Pressure?” The doctor asks about a hundred times. If I were Hollander, I would have had my HMO authorize anyone other than someone named “Dr. Probe.”

While the cover of “Dr. Probe’s Lab of Perversion: The Demon Gynecologist of the San Fernando Valley” promises a sardonic porn right up the alley of writer/director Jim Powers, Hollander’s scene is so awash with dark editing program background music that it’s hard to figure out if Powers intends us to laugh or just be creeped out; the cover suggests one, the movie suggests another.

The inappropriate gynecologist is certainly Porn’s version of the Nazi scientist, but we are made to wait to decide whether this is a fleshier version of “Little Shop of Horrors” or “Marathon Man.”

I talked with former AVN editor Rebecca Gray.

“Are you asking me if women think of gynecologists like the hot pizza delivery guy or pool cleaner?” she asked. “No. (The gynecologist’s office) is a different space for your head to be in.”

Hollander’s face registers growing alarm as the doctor takes his sweet time down there.

“I think I dropped something,” he calls, sniffing his fingers. He begins inserting all manner of objects.

“Is everything OK, Doctor?” she asks as he inserts a glass dildo in her anus. “I haven’t been sexually active in three months.”

“That’s a shame,” he says. Finally, we get to the porn.

Dr. Probe, after rolling up a fucking machine, does the job himself.

“Is it supposed to feel this nice, Doctor?” Hollander asks.

“Just a natural human reaction,” he says. “The instruments can only do so much.”

I finally decided that the movie was a comedy and just the soundtrack needed to go. Kudos to Hollander who did a nice slow burn, and to Powers for trusting an audience with a longish scene.

Next up is Sindee Jennings as the patient and Seth Dickens as Dr. Probe. The production does not skimp on medical equipment. Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman.

“I’m actually feeling a little bit uncomfortable, Doctor, “Jennings says. “It just feels like you’re doing the same things over and over and over.”

What makes this movie earn an A for effort is its token attempts to make things look on the up and up for at least a minute or two.

That more or less goes out the window when quintessential porn dude Dirty Harry appears as Guatemalan Doctor to the petrified Cindy Crawford. He speaks Pig Spanish all the way through his scene and at this point the movie becomes high camp (which isn’t a bad thing).

Finally, Otto Bauer’s scene with Chelsea Rae retreads old ground, but it’s still funny. When the good Doctor is finished, he says, “Now get dressed, clean up, and fill out those insurance forms.”

This movie is highly entertaining as a collection of scenes that happen to take place in a doctor’s office, but something is added (especially in the early scenes) when lip service is paid to something real; that’s when “Dr. Probe” gets menacing.

- Review by Gram Ponante

* * * * *

Dr. Probe’s Lab of Perversion

Studio: Powersville/JM
Director: Jim Powers
Cast: Audrey Hollander, Sindee Jennings, Dirty Harry, Cindy Crawford, Otto Bauer, Chelsea Rae, Seth Dickens, Johnny Thrust

· Jim Powers (mrfilth.com)
· Buy “Dr. Probe’s Lab of Perversion” (jerkoffzone.com)

Original post by Gram Ponante