Newseater - Adult Edition

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Yeah, Daniel Radcliffe does a decent job, but Dane Cross really was born to play a boy wizard. He already rocks the nerdy glasses and ties, and he certainly knows his way around a whorcrux.

We’re not so sure if Jewel Styles is the best choice for Hermione Granger. The real Hermione wouldn’t have let herself get trapped like that; she did have some proficiency in Defense Against the Dark Arts. Then again, she couldn’t ever handle a broomstick like Harry—really, no one can. Oh dear, we forget if we’re still talking about porn.

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* * * * *

Previously: The Days Of Parody Porn Are Numbered: “Bree’s Big Screw Review”

Original post by Ottimo Massimo

Meggan Mallone is part Native American, part alien sex fiend, and all organic. Deep within the juicy crevices of her imagination are fantasies waiting to be played out on an unsuspecting world…and only Paul Thomas can channel her.

“Meggan’s Sexy Stories” starts, ironically enough, in front of Fleshbot’s Venice Beach, California headquarters, almost directly in front of a certain contributor’s house. To be honest, it’s a wonder that we didn’t end up in the shot—it’s that close. Meggan struts back and forth in front of surfers, Paul Thomas, fat dudes, and more surfers, looking nervous in a mini skirt. Smash cut to a shot of a Venice house with an outdoor shower scene, a big titty blonde by the name of Charisma Capelli, for no reason, and we’re off and running.

Randy Spears interrupts her shower with the television repair man gag, only this time he’s diddling the sexy daughter of the client, whose mom isn’t home—but whose uber perky breast implants are. It’s dialogue (and tease) heavy, just what Vivid lovers would expect. Whereas most vignettes would simply do one set up with a clunky exchange, PT makes an epic out of the introduction, with the plot quickly becoming as complicated as a Gabriel Garcia Marquez novel rewritten by Thomas Pynchon.

The little seductress quickly discovers that John the cable guy is actually Randy Spears from “Bad Wives,” who just happens to be her mom’s favorite pornstar. She puts on a VHS copy of the PT classic and confronts him before demanding to take a ride on his legendary wood. For the record, this actually happens to him several times a week, causing poor Spears to return to porn and then seek new employment each time. Seriously. He’s been to DeVry like six times now, poor bastard. The scene ends with a full dialogue set up to make sure nothing goes unresolved in the viewer’s mind.

Then. Little Miss Bad Attitude Lexi Belle takes a semi-naked walk to the mailbox before Dane Cross peeps in on her drinking champagne in the bathtub and runs away. Despite being clothing-challenged, she chases him and scolds him for “thinking the world evolves around” himself, and, for that matter, for not bringing her a birthday card. The whole scene quickly devolves into hard sex games, with Dane putting the collar on Lexi and wearing her panties. It’s sick but hot…just the way we like it.

Meggan and sexy redhead Ami Emerson go camping with her “mom” Syren De Mar and her buddy Alec Knight. They split off, with Meggan clam diving into Ami’s delicious ginger bush and mom pulling the cougar action on Alec. Again, it’s like an excerpt from Tolstoy before (and after) we get to the action—but once we do, it’s worth watching. Last but not least, we learn that Meggan and her man like to play sex games before he goes to work—and thus, she fucks Mr. Pete in Marina Del Ray. Makes perfect sense to us: Meggan looks like such a great fuck! (And, for those keeping count, this isn’tt the first time we’ve been jealous of Mr. Pete, either.)

“Meggan’s Sexy Stories” is out now. Check out our sample gallery then grab a copy.

Meggan Mallone and Ami Emerson
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Meggan Mallone and Ami Emerson
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Meggan Mallone and Ami Emerson
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Meggan Mallone and Ami Emerson
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Syren De Mar and Alec Knight
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Syren De Mar and Alec Knight
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Syren De Mar
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Syren De Mar and Alec Knight
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Meggan Mallone
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Meggan Mallone and Mr. Pete
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Meggan Mallone and Mr. Pete
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Meggan Mallone and Mr. Pete
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Meggan Mallone and Mr. Pete
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Lexi Belle and Dane Cross
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Lexi Belle and Dane Cross
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Lexi Belle and Dane Cross
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Charisma Capelli and Randy Spears
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Charisma Capelli and Randy Spears
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Original post by DCypher

We know that 86 percent of porn sales are inspired by the boxcover photo, so it is to the juicy and vivacious Mae Victoria that Pink Visual owes our quick-snatching of “MILF Seeker 17.” Yet Dane Cross complains.

What is downright weird about this scene from the Low-Budget-but-with-Heart studio is that Dane Cross opens the door and starts complaining immediately. He needs his sleep, he didn’t expect Victoria (with attendant cameraman, Johnny) to come by, he wasn’t prepared.

This would be fine if the movie were a feature and Cross’s whinging were part of the story, but we’re confused because it appears that Cross actually doesn’t want Mae Victoria to happen all over him. (Oddly enough, Dana DeArmond is also heard complaining about random things in “Anal Is My Middle Name.” We are dismayed by Cross’s peevishness, but Dana used to work at the Happiest Place on Earth, for God’s sake).

Bottom line, the delightful Victoria appears to be the one doing the “seek”ing here.

I’ll say it right now, Mae Victoria: if you came to my house in your little pinup dress, I would let you in.

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Original post by Gram Ponante

Oh, Dwight. You’re always so tense! Here, let Ashlynn make all the problems go away. With her mouth.

We always knew Dwight (or, in this case, “Dwayne”) had a thing for authority figures, but we didn’t realize that the feeling was mutual. On a separate note, we think Dane Cross should replace his little square frames with these big, wiry ones. It’s an upgrade.

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Original post by Ottimo Massimo

It’s meta-spoofs like this that keep Leslie Nielsen alive and well.

Bree’s Big Screw Review

Studio: Adam & Eve
Director: DCypher
Cast: Bree Olson, Faye Reagan, Shawna Lenee, Jewel Styles, Madison Scott, Marco Banderas, Tommy Gunn, Dane Cross, Evan Stone

I don’t know who this DCypher guy is, but he certainly knows what he’s doing. “Bree’s Big Review” is a spoof-spoof (that is, a parody of parody porn), so the campy gets turned up to 11 while Bree and her co-host, Faye Reagan, review such titles as “E.T.: The Extra Testicle,” “Hairy Pussy & the Sorcerer’s Bone,” “Spiderpussy,” and “A Cock In Lips Now”. Even before the main event begins, we’re treated to a spoof trailer in the style of “Die Hard” featuring Angie Savage and veteran director Jim Enright. It’s pretty much all he promised in his sneak peek.

Despite all the corny porn jokes, “Bree’s Big Screw Review” delivers a myriad of minute, precise jabs at mainstream and adult films-and they’re actually funny. For example, in the “E.T.” double-parody, Shawna Lenee gets ditched by her boyfriend, and is consoled by Marco, the tri-testicled alien hiding in a pile of her stuffed animals. The pre- and post-coital banter is awkwardly rich: Marco moans “Bone home!” while Shawna thickly lays down the border hopping immigrant/visitor from outer space duality. The tone is best summed up as “Haha! Marco is a Mexican!” and while this may not be funny on its own (Marco is actually Uruguayan), it’s hilarious in the context of parody porn’s habits. We all remember how “Flight Attendants” pushed the “Haha! Misty Stone is a sassy Black woman!” jokes.

The movie isn’t just about industry commentary; it does generate its own unique yuks. “A Cock In Lips Now” stands out for Bree’s dead-on Martin Sheen impression (if Martin Sheen were a squeak toy) as well as Tommy Gunn’s intensity in the role of Colonel Dick Hurtz. I was especially moved by the way Tommy somberly whipped out his cock while Taps played. “Harry Pussy” was also a personal favorite, not because of any intellectually stimulating aspect, but because there’s nothing better than seeing Dane Cross in a young wizard’s outfit saying “Erectus Penisus Nowicus!”

Is “Bree’s Big Screw Review” more humorous than it is arousing? It’s hard to say. On one hand, the cast is phenomenally talented, and watching people like Evan Stone and Faye Reagan get their (respective) fuck on is never boring. On the other hand, the fucking doesn’t seem that inspired. With the notable exception of Faye and Bree’s cathartic tongue battle at the end of the show, the actors seem to be plowing through each other with little excitement.

By no means is “Bree’s Big Screw Review” a lethargic climb. The performers look like they’re having fun, and it’s hard not to have fun watching them. Nepotism aside, this movie is most certainly worth checking out. It’ll get that parody taste out of your mouth, and you might even start touching yourself in the process! And now that I’ve written this review of a review of spoofs of spoofs, the universe can go ahead and collapse.

· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)

· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)
· Buy “Bree’s Big Screw Review” (adameve.com)

Original post by Ottimo Massimo