Newseater - Adult Edition

It’s hard not to think of any porn movie that bills itself as “dark, squalid, and ominous” as missing another adjective: pretentious. But even after struggling our way through the copy that adorns the (rather gorgeous) box cover of “Hospital” along with assorted surgical implements and bloody smears, the only word that describes how director Benny Profane’s new Vivid Alt release makes us feel is excited. Then again, Mandy Morbid always makes us feel that way anyway.

The plot, such as it is, involves Our Mandy being punished for past misdeeds she cannot recall by an evil (and diabolically horny) hospital staff. It seems that Mandy and her con artist boyfriend (played by Fleshbot superhero and Mandy’s real-life beau Zak Sabbath) did some Bad Things which earned Mandy a semi-private room in the hospital of the title, where her doctor tells her she’s to undergo treatment for being a “drug addict and a sexual deviant”. Not one to let other people decide what’s best for her or her body, Mandy jams a pencil into his skull: “No one fucks with me! I just want to go home!” She is then rescued by her boyfriend and the two celebrate her homecoming with a hot threeway with Coco Velvett. And that’s pretty much it. End credits.

So we have to say that “Hospital” wasn’t nearly as dark and ominous as the box cover led us to expect. But here’s the good part: it isn’t pretentious either. To its credit, the movie doesn’t take itself seriously at all: everyone seems to be having an absolute hoot playing doctor and/or nurse—especially the delightful Caroline Pierce, who has a grand old time in a supply room with fellow bad nurse Sochee Mala and a strapon while Mandy watches confusedly (and turned on-edly) from a shower stall. (And we can’t even begin to describe how we feel about hot newcomer Marie McCray, so we won’t even try. Let’s just say hot and dizzy are the least of our symptoms.)

It’s the kind of hospital we certainly wouldn’t mind checking in to for a while, so long as we weren’t just tied to the bed or had a hole drilled into our skulls or anything. Too bad we’re pretty sure our insurance wouldn’t cover our stay.

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The “Hospital” DVD includes extras like a making-of documentary and a bonus featurette, “Mandy Morbid’s Trepanation Video”. No, we have not watched it yet.

“Hospital” hits the shelves this week.

• VividAlt (vividalt.com)
• Order: “Hospital” (Adult DVD Empire)

Original post by DCypher

To know jessica drake—or at least to bump into her semi-regularly—is to be infatuated with jessica drake. That is why hopes are high when Wicked gets around to jessica drake in its contract performer marquee movie rotation. And that drake gets around to Dana DeArmond turns out to be a pleasant surprise in “Kissing Girls.”

jessica drake is Zoe as today’s Wicked Girl on a mission in “Kissing Girls,” in which the long-leggedy pornstress lets us know (in standard-issue voiceover form) that this will be her year to climb the corporate ladder, make the world a better place, and find her soulmate. (As this line cuts to her trysting with Eric Masterson, we can assume that he is not it, else the movie would be very short.)

“He understood my passions and dealt with my neuroses,” she says of him. But when he tells her to hurry because his wife will be home soon, she knows it isn’t to be. We know that the movie will be about dipping her toe in the world of women.

Like Hustler is hitting a groove with (or at least spending a lot of time on) its “parody” movies, Wicked is co-opting mainstream successes and making them a little more porny. “Kissing Girls” is, obviously, Wicked’s “Kissing Jessica Stein.”

Frustrated with men, Zoe answers a personal ad. From a girl. At first she is hesitant, but when a montage sequence reveals that alll men are crazy, she reconsiders.”Besides,” she says, “aren’t all women lesbians these days? Bisexual? Swingers? Isn’t that all the rage?”

All the rage in Hell, maybe.

Anyway, drake bites the bullet and meets Moonbeam (Dana DeArmond), and they hit it off on Wicked’s muted pastel restaurant set. And they have so much in common! They’re both Scorpios, they like to drive, and neither likes labels! But they do like labia.

Moonbeam tells Zoe about first finding a woman attractive, when she caught her babysitter (Scarlett Fay) having sex with her 40-year-old boyfriend. Luckily, we don’t see 12-year-old Moonbeam peaking around the curtains. We’re also proud of ourselves that we guessed how another sex scene would be shoehorned in before Zoe and Moonbeam’s inevitable coupling.

drake and DeArmond at first seem an unlikely porn pair, but DeArmond handles the transition from gaping and choking to couples’-friendly lesbo scene with aplomb, and even inspires the best ad-lib of the movie when drake says, “If I had a cock you’d be in trouble.”

I’ve said it before and I say it again: it’s great jessica drake does not have a cock.

- Review by Gram Ponante

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Kissing Girls
Studio: Wicked
Director: Michael Raven
Cast: jessica drake, Dana DeArmond, Scarlett Fay, Randy Spears, Barrett Blade, Eric Masterson, Barry Scott, August

· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)
· Buy “Kissing Girls” (gamelink.com)

Original post by Gram Ponante

newVideoPlayer(”/hartleybondage_fleshbot.flv”, 506, 423,”"); So you’ve watched your fair share of bondage porn, and you’re starting to think that maybe you’d like to explore some bondage in the bedroom. But where to start? Though the pros may make it look easy, serious bondage isn’t for beginners—and even with some practice, it’s still advanced sex play. The last thing you want to do is get some rope and see how it goes. If you’re going to go bound, you’ll need some good guidelines and some easy to follow instructions.

Thankfully, Nina Hartley is here to offer her assistance, in the form of “Nina Hartley’s Guide To Bondage Sex.” With the help of bondage model and expert Claire Adams, Nina walks bondage beginners through all the basics of getting down and dirty while bound … and throws in some super hot sex scenes by way of illustration.

Depending on your expectations, your enjoyment of the film may vary. For one thing, this is definitely some education with a side of porn and not the other way around: the film goes a full half hour without anyone getting naked, and the sex scenes themselves are heavily laced with instruction and tips.

Additionally, the film focuses on women tying up women and men tying up women, without a single bound man in sight. Yes, there are elements of bondage that are universal, and the film offers helpful insights for anyone looking to get bound and gagged. But if you’re hoping for, say, some serious cock and ball torture action, this isn’t the flick for you.

Nerds that we are, we still enjoyed learning the ins and outs of bondage sex—like what positions are best, how to tie a good knot, and all the fun little bondage gadgets. But we’d still recommend viewing this video when you’re in a learning mood, not a fapping mood. You’re bound to get something good out of watching the video, but it just might not be until after you’ve watched it, when you’re putting Nina’s lessons to good use.

• “Nina Hartley’s Guide To Bondage Sex” (adameve.com)
• Order: “Nina Hartley’s Guide To Bondage Sex” (Adult DVD Empire) (adultdvdempire.com)

Original post by Lux Nightmare

Viewers who watch this feature all the way through will be rewarded with a twist ending uncharacteristic of porn movies. I say this as a favor to this movie’s producers, because I can’t say that everything leading up to the twist is the best a talented group of people can do. Still, you can watch this in a double feature with “Kiss Attack” and not regret the evening.

. . .

“Some say the path we take is guided by Fate or unseen forces,” intones Lei in the voiceover, which is immediately reminiscent of the sort of stylish, formulaic, safe, and Skinemax -ready porn Wicked produces so well, or at least so frequently.

How does one become a hooker accidentally? Well, if you looked like Kaylani Lei and you were walking down Hollywood Boulevard dressed to enhance all your Kaylani Leitude whilst absently sucking your soft drink from a straw, it would be within reason for the common passerby to at least hope you were a hooker.

And the passerby would be right, because hooker Lei is en route to an interview about how she became a hooker accidentally. Turns out she met a dude, Marcus (Armstrong), online who wasted no time sampling the goods once they finally met.

“He didn’t seem to be an axe murderer or anything,” Lei recalled. Waking up alone, Lei was surprised to find $500 by her bedside.

Was she a hooker? Who knows. Marcus invites her to L.A. and at the airport she is greeted by a limousine containing not Marcus but instead a man named Deep Threat.

“Little did I know that it would change my life - ” says Lei in the voiceover.

(wait for it)

” - forever.”

“I realized I crossed a line,” she says.

(wait for it)

” - that could never be uncrossed.”

Also:

“I had changed - “

(wait for it)

” - and this was only the beginning.”

Lei begins a crazy joyride of sex for money, immersing herself in “the life,” in which intimacy, commerce, and hedonism coexist in an uneasy colloidal stew - forever. She fucks other women, rich swains at the opera, guys at the car wash, couples, anything that pays.

Wicked cannot solve this problem, but in the scene with Shyla Stylez and Tommy Gunn as the couple Lei beds, the movie falls victim to something that happens in porn all the time: Stylez looks more like a hooker than the person playing a hooker. It’s like the Monty Python “Bicycle Repair Man” sketch, where everyone is a superhero.

But the highs become fewer and farther between.

“Every once in a while you ask yourself, ‘What am I doing?’” Lei tells her interviewer.

“Why don’t you just stop?” he asks.

“That’s easier said than done,” she says, blowing cigarette smoke. “You can’t just walk away. It’s in your blood. It’s what you know. It’s what you are. No matter how hard you try, you het sucked right back in. You’re in for life. And sometimes? That feels like an eternity.”

I hand it to Wicked for yet another unflinching look at the world of high-priced call girls this summer, the other being Latina Hollywood Hookers.

But just when you condemn Wicked for padding the script, you realize that all those (or most of those) sodden sentences work up to a twist ending like that Tom Cruise Isn’t Gay Enough movie.

Like M. Night Shyamalan projects, the twist endings over the years have yielded diminished returns since The Sixth Sense. But this is porn, so we’ve got at least ten more years of them. So I’ll leave it to you to decide if the twist redeems the movie.

Review by: Gram Ponante

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. . .

The Accidental Hooker

Studio: Wicked
Director: Brad Armstrong
Cast: Kaylani Lei, Shyla Stylez, Victoria Sin, Mikayla, Devon Lee, Jennifer Dark, Brad Armstrong, Tommy Gunn, Deep Threat, Niko, Barrett Blade, Derrick Pierce, Marcus London

· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)
· Buy “The Accidental Hooker” (gamelink.com)

Original post by Gram Ponante

After watching a few of her new Vivid-Ed releases, we’re more convinced than ever that Tristan Taormino produces some of the best eduporn out there. The videos she’s done for the line have been consistently smart and sexy, and do a great job of educating us and turning us on at the same time. But how much of that is due to Tristan’s considerable charisma, and how much is the Vivid-Ed format itself? We had a chance to investigate that mystery this week with the latest Vivid-Ed release, “The Expert Guide to Positions”: though it features Tristan as an onscreen educator, “Positions” was directed by Geoff Bean.

So how did it stack up? Our thoughts (and a preview clip) after the jump.

. . .

While hot porn that also educates may be Tristan’s signature style, it seems it’s not the hallmark of all Vivid-Ed releases. Though there’s a lot of good about this release, it falls a little flat when it comes to sheer hotness—ultimately registering as a little more ed than sexy. The performers are hot, and the information is good, but unlike Tristan’s previous Expert Guides to blowjobs or anal sex it never quite feels like the kind of educational porn flick you’d want to jack off to. As the information rolls by, there’s too much to absorb and take in; it’s a little hard to just lie back and get into it when so much is being thrown at you.

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But if you’re more interested in a video that will guide you through various positions than some hot porn that will happen to teach you a little something along the way, then “Positions” may just be what you’re looking for. With short scenes on 18 different positions, and detailed information about the benefits and shortcomings of each, “Positions” leaves no stone untouched. Have a long, thin penis, or a partner who likes shallow penetration? Try the Pancake. Want a girl-on-top position that’s easy on the knees? Go with the Froggie.

Though this release wasn’t quite what we’d hoped for, we’re still happy to see Vivid-Ed working hard to make sex education sexy, or at least provide some helpful information through porn. For a lot of people, porn is already an important (if not their only) source of sex education, so it’s good to know that Vivid-Ed is making sure they get some solid information along with their titillation. Now if they’d just put out the “Expert Guide To Gape Rimming,” we’d be totally set.

· Vivid-Ed (vivid-ed.com)

· Buy “The Expert Guide To Positions” (adult.dvdempire.com)

* * * * *

Previously: Tristan Taormino Gets Up Close And Personal With The G-Spot (Really!), Tristan Taormino Explains It All For You: “Expert Guide to Oral Sex Part 2″, DVD: Tristan Taormino’s “Expert Guide To Anal Sex”

Original post by Lux Nightmare