Newseater - Adult Edition

You wonder why Wicked has waited so many years to release an eponymous title, but you also wonder why Kaylani Lei hasn’t been delivered to you personally as part of the bailout package. Read on to discover why vampires seem to be devouring condom-only performers in the California Desert.

The Wicked

A couple fucks in a day-for-night desert as Wicked’s vampire movie, The Wicked, opens. After putting on her clothes, she realizes she is alone. “Where are you?” she panics in the emptiness. “This isn’t funny anymore!”

Well, who said it was ever funny? She is soon dispatched with, a 28 Days Later-style burst of screams, blood, growls, and an out of control camera. Wicked vampires!

As the opening credits roll past the unfortunate woman, we meet a Volkswagen Bus full of adventurers. Among them is Kaylani Lei, off to the desert for a weekend concert after finding her boyfriend in bed with a hooker (Jenny Hendrix). I don’t know why she got so mad - doesn’t she know that Jenny Hendrix is Good Times personified and no threat to Real Love?

Then we meet Baby and Otis (Stormy Daniels and Derrick Pierce), shifty types who’ve suffered a breakdown in the desert. Luckily our heroes happen by to pick them up, though only the driver (Barrett Blade) seems to think it’s a good idea. Another passenger is Voodoo, a conspiracy buff cautious about weirdness in the desert. He is not taken seriously. In fact, the drive is so fraught with manufactured tension that we wonder why any of these people are friends.

Everyone is so nice to look at, though, that I guess it doesn’t matter if they like each other.

The porn talent pool is so small, and the contract star system so limiting, that chemistry is hard to find, even in a population that has interfucked so often. One thing going for The Wicked is Blade’s and Voodoo’s chemistry with Lei, Tori Black, Scarlett Fay, and the other females in the cast. And, when they’re allowed, Daniels and Pierce find room for “character” work.

Chemistry or no, the gang is edgy after a long drive, and strange things are happening in the middle of nowhere. Worse still, only Daniels’ and Pierce’s sex scene is filmed in natural light; everything else shows up in cold blue or red. This can only detract from excellent scenes between Voodoo and Fay and Blade and Lei.

In her motel bed, Kaylani dreams of being ravished by vampires in the desert (including Sophia Santi). Then she goes to a strip club with her pals and lets loose. Oddly enough, some of the characters from her dream show up as strippers! You wouldn’t expect to find such high quality strippers in such a remote location, either.

There’s other odd things going on in Desert City. Regardless, Kaylani and Barrett get over their friction and learn to love each other. Napping in the car, however, Kaylani again dreams of the vampires. Voodoo gets more agitated and, once the crew arrives at the concert, the stage is set for a bloodbath, as the vampires show up en masse for their solstice feast.

But it isn’t scary. Shouldn’t it be? Maybe the market suggests otherwise.

Since Wicked makes so many gauzily competent movies that seem to avoid actual inspiration, I wonder if sales figures indicate that being too good or too edgy or - in the case of a vampire movie - too scary might hurt business.

The Wicked’s twist ending attests to the fact that a movie with great production values and a competent yet derivative script is Wicked’s way of suggesting mainstream movies without actually ripping them off, a la Pirates. But what’s the matter with an outright porn ripoff if it’s good? The Wicked is a good porn movie but the vehicle of its story - the horror! - falls flat. I think it’s the condom policy.

Review by: Gram Ponante

Studio: Wicked
Director: Michael Raven
Cast: Kaylani Lei, Stormy Daniels, Mikayla Mendez, Annabelle Lee, Jenny Hendrix, Roxy Deville, Scarlett Fay, Sophia Santi, Tori Black, Aaron Wilcoxxx, Barrett Blade, Barry Scott, Derrick Pierce, Evan Stone, Johnny Castle, Rocco Reed, Voodoo

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· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)
· Buy “The Wicked” (gamelink.com)

Original post by Gram Ponante

In what he claims is his best work to date, Wicked Pictures director Michael Raven breathes new life into the hoary horror porn genre with “The Wicked”, a sexy retelling of a group of hot young Burners (is there any other kind?) who get lost in the desert on the way to Black Rock City and become embroiled in a romantic and terrifying vampire drama. Hey, it could totally happen! (Depending what sort of hallucinogenics you took on the way to Burning Man, that is.)

The plot involves Barrett Blade allowing his little head to do the thinking when he picks up a bombshell hitchhiker in the middle of nowhere; they later shack up in a hotel room together to save funds for partying. (You do know how expensive it is to attend Burning Man, don’t you?) Along comes supernaturally endowed Voodoo to explain that they’re in danger of being eaten alive by blood sucking desert weirdos if they’re not careful … and according to the trailer, that’s pretty much what happens. It’s sort of like what a porn(ier) version of “True Blood” might look like minus its Louisiana setting, but with an added dose of pornstars, playa dust, and LSD!

Kaylani Lei is joined by a stellar cast including fellow Wicked contract stars Mikayla Mendez and Stormy Daniels, along with newcomers Tori Black and Scarlet Faye, former Digital Playground starlet Sofia Santi, tushy princess Roxy DeVille, and Fleshbot Crush Object Jenny Hendrix. (Did we mention that we love this cast?)

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If nothing else, “The Wicked” should convince everyone that Raven is the perfect choice to helm the next “Lost Boys” installment. After all, who better than Kaylani Lei to keep Corey Haim in line?

• “The Wicked” Trailer (avnlive.com)
• Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)
• Order: “The Wicked” (Adult DVD Empire)

Original post by DCypher

Viewers who watch this feature all the way through will be rewarded with a twist ending uncharacteristic of porn movies. I say this as a favor to this movie’s producers, because I can’t say that everything leading up to the twist is the best a talented group of people can do. Still, you can watch this in a double feature with “Kiss Attack” and not regret the evening.

. . .

“Some say the path we take is guided by Fate or unseen forces,” intones Lei in the voiceover, which is immediately reminiscent of the sort of stylish, formulaic, safe, and Skinemax -ready porn Wicked produces so well, or at least so frequently.

How does one become a hooker accidentally? Well, if you looked like Kaylani Lei and you were walking down Hollywood Boulevard dressed to enhance all your Kaylani Leitude whilst absently sucking your soft drink from a straw, it would be within reason for the common passerby to at least hope you were a hooker.

And the passerby would be right, because hooker Lei is en route to an interview about how she became a hooker accidentally. Turns out she met a dude, Marcus (Armstrong), online who wasted no time sampling the goods once they finally met.

“He didn’t seem to be an axe murderer or anything,” Lei recalled. Waking up alone, Lei was surprised to find $500 by her bedside.

Was she a hooker? Who knows. Marcus invites her to L.A. and at the airport she is greeted by a limousine containing not Marcus but instead a man named Deep Threat.

“Little did I know that it would change my life - ” says Lei in the voiceover.

(wait for it)

” - forever.”

“I realized I crossed a line,” she says.

(wait for it)

” - that could never be uncrossed.”

Also:

“I had changed - “

(wait for it)

” - and this was only the beginning.”

Lei begins a crazy joyride of sex for money, immersing herself in “the life,” in which intimacy, commerce, and hedonism coexist in an uneasy colloidal stew - forever. She fucks other women, rich swains at the opera, guys at the car wash, couples, anything that pays.

Wicked cannot solve this problem, but in the scene with Shyla Stylez and Tommy Gunn as the couple Lei beds, the movie falls victim to something that happens in porn all the time: Stylez looks more like a hooker than the person playing a hooker. It’s like the Monty Python “Bicycle Repair Man” sketch, where everyone is a superhero.

But the highs become fewer and farther between.

“Every once in a while you ask yourself, ‘What am I doing?’” Lei tells her interviewer.

“Why don’t you just stop?” he asks.

“That’s easier said than done,” she says, blowing cigarette smoke. “You can’t just walk away. It’s in your blood. It’s what you know. It’s what you are. No matter how hard you try, you het sucked right back in. You’re in for life. And sometimes? That feels like an eternity.”

I hand it to Wicked for yet another unflinching look at the world of high-priced call girls this summer, the other being Latina Hollywood Hookers.

But just when you condemn Wicked for padding the script, you realize that all those (or most of those) sodden sentences work up to a twist ending like that Tom Cruise Isn’t Gay Enough movie.

Like M. Night Shyamalan projects, the twist endings over the years have yielded diminished returns since The Sixth Sense. But this is porn, so we’ve got at least ten more years of them. So I’ll leave it to you to decide if the twist redeems the movie.

Review by: Gram Ponante

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. . .

The Accidental Hooker

Studio: Wicked
Director: Brad Armstrong
Cast: Kaylani Lei, Shyla Stylez, Victoria Sin, Mikayla, Devon Lee, Jennifer Dark, Brad Armstrong, Tommy Gunn, Deep Threat, Niko, Barrett Blade, Derrick Pierce, Marcus London

· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)
· Buy “The Accidental Hooker” (gamelink.com)

Original post by Gram Ponante

At the gas station where we refuel Fleshbot West’s fleet vehicles, today’s price for a gallon of unleaded was $5.07. That is why Kaylani Lei could not have come by in her “Carpool” at a better time. So what if it’s not edgy and extreme; we need porn to comfort us during this time of crisis, not get us all riled up. And its message is clear: Don’t blow money on gas, blow loads on everybody!

Is Kaylani Lei dead? The movie begins in a gauzy, brightly-lit room where she cavorts with a man in white underpants. According to the Porn Valley Book of the Dead, this and her four-inch white stilletos point to the Afterlife. But something is wrong; the apparition she’s with appears to be Nick Manning in all that oversaturation, but it’s not. Is she in Heaven or in Hell? We can’t tell. Also, because the room is so white, we can’t tell if a load has been dropped.

But wait. It’s all a dream! Sandy (Lei) was only dreaming. It’s Monday morning; she’s not making love to an angel, she’s a lonely working girl with a dog, and she’s late for her carpool.

The car ride to the office is filled with the type of banter acting that reminds one of locally produced AM radio commercials. It’s comforting. It says that, no matter how expensive the camera package and editing rig, that porn directors know the real reason people watch porn is for the sex.

It seems the office is going to undergo a round of layoffs, say the carpoolers. But, just as the movie opened with a more or less gratuitous sex scene (and I’m not saying there is anything bad about gratuitous sex in a porn movie), we now have the opportunity, through the porn-narrative techniques of exposition and flashback, to review each passenger’s weekend sexcapades.

In the slow drive around the neighborhood, nerdy Jimmy recounts how he bedded a stripper in Vegas after a winning night at the blackjack table. He must’ve won big, because Hooker didn’t make him wear a condom! Outside his casino-comped room, neon lights flash. Production design! Then the stripper’s luchador husband arrives.

Then it’s middle-aged Bob (Herschel Savage)’s turn. He and his wife get ready for a night of role-playing by talking about the APR on their leased vehicles. Wicked’s couples’-friendly credo is this: See? Dom/sub couples are just like you.

“Next week, we’re going to try something called erotic asphyxiation,” Bob says.

Around this time I was waiting for the weekend adventures of the driver of the carpool, Sue. “I bet those glasses are just a beard for her sexual hellcattery,” I said.

But Kaylani is the contract girl, so she gets her second sex scene first. She has a threesome with her friend and the pizza guy. The pizza guy. Never accuse Wicked of discarding history.

We finally get to Sue, who shocks our sensibilities by being a dirty little biker whore. With Brian Surewood unavailable, the role of lead biker went to an unshaven Evan Stone. While Sue’s acting in the car was frankly abysmal, at the biker bar she acts with her eyes. Brilliant!

Four attractive people stuck in traffic talk about sex. Is there anything better suited to late-night cable? “Carpool” may be formulaic, but it’s friendly, non-threatening, and fun. As the gang breaks up at the office parking lot there is a tidy wrap-up. With gas prices so high, I see room for a slew of inexpensive sequels.

Review by Gram Ponante

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Carpool

Studio: Wicked
Director: Jonathan Morgan
Cast: Kaylani Lei, Kylie Wilde, Nicole Sheridan, Nikki Rhodes, Renae Cruz, Marcus London, Evan Stone, Alex Sanders, Dane Cross, Herschel Savage, Niko

· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)
· Buy “Carpool” (gamelink.com)

Original post by Gram Ponante

Award winning director of photography turned director Francois Clousot takes a dark look at both Egyptian black magic and the insides of some very pretty girls in his latest Wicked Pictures release THE ORACLE.

Wicked Pictures contract star Kaylani Lei does more than just peer deeply into a crystal ball, she takes several sets of real flesh sacks in her pretty little mouth and shows the fellows their attached to just what kind of sweet sex magic she has at her disposal. Performers Brooke Banner, Roxy DeVille, Brooke Haven, Evan Angelina, Ryder Skye, and Barret Blade join in to lend a hand in battling the dark forces of Osiris from the underworld and come up with an entirely unprecedented way to pay for passage across the river Styx. Ass, cash or grass right?

In the end only the soul whose heart is fully drained of lust, and other bodily fluids, can be judged worthy to enter the afterlife…or something like that.

http://wickedpictures.com
http://wickedpictures.com

. . .

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· Order “Oracle” (Adult DVD Empire)
· Wicked Pictures (wickedpictures.com)

Original post by DCypher