Archive for the 'mike horner' Category

Shock-Cockingly Not Bad: "The Howard Sperm Show" [DVD]

Posted in pornstars, ponante, hardcore, dvd, classic, AB, straight, parody, Randy West, mike horner, Cal jammer, Rebecca wild on June 30th, 2010

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Learn The Feminine Mystique From “Not The Brady Bunch XXX: Pussy Power” [DVD]

Posted in top, photo, retro, hardcore, gallery, dvd, review, humor, AB, ron jeremy, straight, parody, Lynn LeMay, Alana Evans, James Deen, Lexi Belle, mike horner, kacey jordan, Spoofs, Dane Cross, Will ryder, Tanner mayes, Nicole ray, Eric john, Kris slater, Dylan riley, Ashlyn rae, Mikey Butders, Seth gamble, Parodyporn on December 17th, 2009

Sure, this episode was good, but Will Ryder should probably move on before Cousin Oliver shows up.

Not The Bradys XXX: Pussy Power

Studio: LFP Distribution/X-Play
Director: Will Ryder
Cast: Lexi Belle, Dylan Riley, Kacey Jordan, Alana Evans, Lynn Lemay, Ashlyn Rae, Nicole Ray, Tanner Mayes, Mike Horner, Kris Slater, James Deen, Mikey Butders, Ron Jeremy, Eric John, Seth Gamble, Dane Cross

On this episode of “Not The Bradys,” young Jan (now played by Dylan Riley) feels neglected by her family, teachers, and—most of all—the boys at her school. Little does Jan know that all she needs to get a little attention (or tickets to a concert, or good grades) is some Pussy Power. And with that skirting-the-edges-of-sexist comment, let the film begin!

Lucky for Jan, bad girl Tanner Mayes shows at the Brady Compound and wildly masturbates in her bed, which somehow introduces Jan to the world of mature decisions and sexual favors. Jan realizes that the key to Marcia’s success has always been blowjobs, and so her only hope of “being good at something” lies in emulating her big sister.

Meanwhile, everyone else is having sex, looking good in their ‘70s garb, maintaining erections and wholesome imagery, etc. Lexi Belle is the new Marcia, and she fits the role just fine. Her secret romp with the high school quarterback is not only inspirational to the viewer, but to Jan and Cindy as well.

On the male side of things, all is well. James Deen is still adorable as Peter. He somehow manages to look goofy and enthusiastic in the middle of his scene with Tanner, just like good ol’ Christopher Knight. Mikey Butders embodies the coy Bobby Brady just as well. His threesome with Ashlyn Rae and Nicole Ray is one of the finest in Brady family history. Except maybe for that one time Alice stumbled into Mr. and Mrs. B’s bedroom.

But hey, gang! There are some things more disappointing than Jan’s violin playing (insert laugh track here). They still haven’t delivered on that real, slow Sam the Butcher/Alice loving, although the characters talk about it non-stop. However, there is a simulated sex scene in which Alice ducks behind the kitchen island and Ron Jeremy pretends to be fellated most comically. Like most of the humor in Will Ryder parodies, this goes until it becomes awkward, keeps going, and then arbitrarily stops.

All in all, it feels like another Will Ryder movie: the sex is very good, the comedy is very bad, and everyone can feel ok about the lack of Brady-on-Brady boinking. The whole Pussy Power thing is something to think about. We always wondered how Carol convinced a man to take her and her three daughters in; “much more than a hunch” indeed.

Original post by Ottimo Massimo

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Amber Lynn, Circa ‘86 [Classics]

Posted in pornstars, ponante, photo, gallery, blondes, dvd, review, AB, straight, classics, Jamie Gillis, amber lynn, mike horner on April 7th, 2009

Amber Lynn has always been delightful, but can her 23-year-old movie “Perfect Partners” withstand the visible tan lines (on men) and leg warmers that characterized that bygone age?

In addition to Lynn and other all-natural (save for the hair structures), perky-breasted starlets like the throaty Tamara Longley and Sheri St. Claire, the recently-re-released “Perfect Partners” features the amazing ham acting of Joey Silvera, who could have probably used a couple of rails just to calm down.

The movie features Longley’s character, the inscrutably-named Dr. Jean Valjean, as a therapist who becomes actively involved in her patients’ marriages. The movie plays like “Behind the Scenes at CHiPs”: Not only are there appearances by wife-servicing dudes Jamie Gillis and Mike Horner, but there is also a synth-vibe-heavy theme song and a freeze frame at the end.

I admit I picked up this movie for the cover; Lynn out-hair band molls any hair band moll I can think of, including domestic abuser Tawny Kitaen.

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· VCX Pictures (vcx.com)
· Buy “Perfect Partners” (tlavideo.com)

Original post by Gram Ponante

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“Aunt Peg” And Her Precocious Niece [Classics]

Posted in ponante, AB, straight, classics, John Holmes, Jamie Gillis, mike horner, Juliet Anderson, Dotty hart, Sharon kane on March 19th, 2009

Hairy flaps. Belly fat. The used car lot bendy balloon that is John Holmes‘ schlong. Golden Age porn has that, but reisssued classic “Aunt Peg” also has niece-fucking and the leopardine Juliet Anderson.

Aunt Peg

Studio: VCX/Cal Vista/NuTech
Director: Wes Brown
Cast: Juliet Anderson, Serena, Seka, Jamie Gillis, John Holmes, Shirley Woods, Michael Ranger, Dotty Hart, Michael Morrison

Review by: Gram Ponante

One of the classics of porn’s Golden Age, the recently re-released “Aunt Peg” (1979) is the story of Peg Norton (Juliet Anderson), a predatory, high class smut producer. There is no arc in this movie whatsoever, as Anderson remains a predatory, high class smut producer throughout.

Among the many noteworthy elements of this movie is the disco catchiness of the “Aunt Peg” theme, a blend of the “Mary Tyler Moore Show” theme and “I Will Survive” with its empowering message of women on the move. But there’s a twist:

“You’re a winner! You know that you are!
Everyone loves you!
They hang on your side!
Nobody knows what you’re feeling inside!”

Now what the hell does that mean?

We as moviegoers yearn to find out what Peg’s inner conflict is, based on the carrot dangled by the last line of the theme song. And what makes this movie a porn trendsetter is that we never find out. The lyric leads nowhere. It is as if - shocking - the uncredited lyricist just needed something to rhyme with “they hang on your side.”

Juliet Anderson was just past 40 when she made this movie and she looks fantastic in it. Peg fucks everybody. In fact, there are only two scenes she’s not involved in.

One is between the adorable Dotty Hart and John Holmes. According to Holmes biography “John Holmes: A Life Measured in Inches,” short brunettes like Hart were just Holmes’ type. They play two characters on one of Peg’s porn sets stealing a little alone type in between filming, and their chemistry is palpable. Holmes massages Hart and we actually see the elusive, oft-referenced but seldom seen 69.

(Anderson never liked John Holmes, “Inches” reports, and was one of the few people in porndom who never succumbed to his coke-addled charms, possibly because she was older and less gullible.)

“Aunt Peg” also is a pioneer of porn tropes like the Ridiculous Pickup Line.

Soon after the credits roll, Peg gives her production assistant of four years (the still-around Mike Horner) a handjob. For reasons that are utterly unclear given her promiscuous behavior throughout the movie, she has never coupled with him before. Her pickup line: “How long have you been working for me, Bill?”

It is not, however (and as I had erroneously thought) the source of the term “pegging.” There is no such behavior in this movie.

Later Peg and an actress named Holly McCall team up on Billy Dee, an afro’d performer who obviously took his nom de porn from the actor who originated the role of Lando Calrissian but who instead was a ringer for Ted Lange.

“I want his hot tongue in my juicy clit,” says Peg.

Meanwhile Peg’s niece, Sheila (Sharon Kane) is in the Midwest hoping to visit her favorite aunt in liberal San Francisco. She has admired her older relative ever since she caught Peg fucking her dad.

(Wait for it…)

“I saw you and Daddy making love,” Sheila says. “I got so wet that I had to run out to the living room and fuck my boyfriend.”

This, dear friends, is why porn thrived despite poor acting (the exception in this movie is Jamie Gillis, who can teach Evan Stone about the word “ham”): there are things in some of these early movies that are just a little shocking. Then there’s more: Sheila is only 16.

As she’s packing to go, her boyfriend laments her impending absence.

“Who will I have to hold? And to hug?” he pleads.

“School will be starting in three weeks,” she says. “You know? 12th grade?”

By now we can see that the movie only has a little more left to go and we wonder what the possible resolution could be. Well, there is none. Sheila gets to San Francisco (we see Anderson and Kane at the arrivals terminal of SFO), they get in a car, and they fuck. Related? No problem. Just 16? No problem. This was 1979.

“You’re only 16 and you have the body of a woman, Sheila,” says Peg, laying it on. Then the movie ends.

Of course, it is only illegal for actual minors to perform in porn movies. Kane was 24 playing Peg’s 16-year-old niece. And “simulated incest” is only creepy, not a crime.

I can’t imagine that anyone has ever thought “Aunt Peg” was a good movie. But it is a sensational movie. And sensational movies aren’t usually good. That said, “Aunt Peg” is pretty damn good for a sensational movie (and if you look closely, both Kiss and Mork make cameos).

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· VCX (VCX.com)
· Buy “Aunt Peg” (gamelink.com)

Original post by Gram Ponante

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DVD Review: “Gov Lov: The Eliot Splitz-her Story” [Ripped From The Headlines]

Posted in ponante, top, gallery, review, news, prostitution, squirting, AB, straight, veronica jett, DVD Review, Feature, Ripped From The Headlines, New York, Eliot Spitzer, mike horner, angela stone, Cassandra Cruz, Van Damage on May 21st, 2008

Less than one month after the Eliot Spitzer “Client 9″ scandal broke, Hustler made a porn parody of it. So you can say this about porn: even if it no longer drives technology, you can be sure that the turnaround time between event and attendant testicular reaction to event is still very quick. Should this movie be reviewed on its own merits, as a story of a public official who can’t keep his pants on, or should we think of it as a porn adaptation of real, though tawdry, events?

Well, the tawdrier the real thing, a pornic take on it almost seems to make the original look less harmful, as if a porn adaptation confirms how silly it is already. The same happened with Hustler’s “Da Vinci Load”; it really improved on the book.

Mike Horner is particularly hammy in the role of New York Governor Eliot Splitz-her, and it is right and just that the adult industry still has some older performers around to add the right touch of Leslie Nielsen to parts like this one.

Students of history will be happy that Gov Lov pays attention to detail. The Governor is known as a man who cleans up the streets and, when he makes his assignations over the phone, is quoted a $4,000 fee.

But a porn movie unbound from its conventions, even if it is a topical movie like this one, won’t fly. So Gov Lov needs to find other people to look at than just Horner and Cassandra Cruz as his special lady, thus trumped up scenes with different, vaguely-related pairings (Angela Stone as The Squirting Lobbyist, for example).

Unlike many hot-off-the-presses porn, however, this movie also has a bona fide B story. We meet two FBI surveillance agents, played by Van Damage and Veronica Jett, who get so caught up in the governor’s shenanigans that they just can’t help themselves.

The Governor is well-known to the escort agency, and he is set up with Kristen (Cruz) and they get to know each other (after the required funds are deposited in the agency’s bank account).

After their tryst, they have the following conversation.

“Now this is going to be our little secret?” he says.

“Of course,” she replies. “No one will ever find out.”

As a movie specifically designed to be purchased by casual consumers, Gov Lov has all the porn world has to offer: speedy turnaround, a little humor, not too much talking, and some sense that these things could really happen. And Hustler put a little extra effort into the packaging, which is nice, since we’re talking about people’s lives here.

- Review by Gram Ponante

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Gov Lov: The Eliot Splitz-her Story
Studio: Hustler
Director: Stuart Canterbury
Cast: Mike Horner, Cassandra Cruz, Kay;a Paige, Angela Stone, Emma Heart, Veronica Jett, Kissy Kapri, Van Damage, Marcus London, Dino Braco, Kissy Kapri

· Order “Gov Lov” (Adult DVD Empire)
· Hustler (hustlervideo.com)