Newseater - Adult Edition

“I don’t like how your pies taste,” says this hapless husband, caught in the act of pastryphilia by his wife and a gaggle of girlfriends in (wait for it) “Attack of the Clothed Female/Naked Male.”

“So you fuck it?”

We have been eager to show you this title but we keep getting waylaid, as if by “Pirates”. A niche that (mostly) finds clothed women giving handjobs to naked men, this example of CFNM involves the likes of Abbey Brooks, Sophie Dee, Heather Gables, and Kylee Reese, among others, in configurations such as Jailer/Jailed, Pie Fucker/Gaggle, and Comatose Man/Nurses.

Not an inch of the five separate parts of the female anatomy commonly seen in porn is exposed in “Attack of the C.F.N.M.,” and that may be disappointing to some viewers. But as Thomas Jefferson said, “I may not agree with your choice to not show Abbey Brooks’ boobies, but I will fight to the death for your right to not compromise a porn niche sacred to maybe two dozen Americans.”

While humiliation is a factor in some of these scenarios, at least the fellows enjoy some release at the end of their ordeal. Such as this guy, who probably hasn’t seen too many good times since the royalty checks for “Two Princes” stopped coming.

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· Pink Visual (pinkvisual.com)
· Buy “Attack of the CFNM” (gamelink.com)

Original post by Gram Ponante

I can imagine that, when it’s the difference between a paycheck and no paycheck, a woman who has not actually borne children will concede to being called a MILF for the purposes of pornic exploitation. But Kara Nox in “Desperate MILFs & Housewives” courageously sets the record straight. “I’m not a MILF,” she says. “I’m 31 and have never had children.” Would that our leaders were as honest.

This cobbled-together series of scenes that debuted on the Internet provides several examples of the Capture And Release school of porn filmmaking, in which a crew pretends to search Porn Valley strip malls for likely women who are then cajoled into returning with said crew to a film studio under false pretenses. (It’s not kidnaping and rape because James Deen is such a smooth talker.)

In the first scene Deen looks by comparison like an elder statesman next to emo kid Daniel, who actually answers his cell phone, dismounting a woman named Victoeria, during their scene. Kids these days.

It might be a revelation to the people who have just discovered this style of porn that each participant has signed a series of documents proving his or her age and identity before a camera is activated. But the acting is so compelling that even jaded reviewers like me can be drawn in. “Is this really happening?” we’ll cry.

“Desperate MILFs & Housewives” features Holly Halston getting serviced in a van. Halston reminds me of an especially boobulous Cheryl Hines. She and her scene partner, Tony, were unable to curb their enthusiasm. In fact, he curbed all over her face.

The reason I picked this movie was the boxcover. Vanessa looks like Mary Louise Parker and, with Halston also on board, this movie is a great complement to that free weekend of Showtime and HBO we got last month at Fleshbot West.

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· Pink Visual (pinkvisual.com)
· Buy “Desperate MILFs & Housewives 5″ (gamelink.com)

Original post by Gram Ponante

With the amount of porn sent to me (for free!) every week, I have come to appreciate any non-standard scene setups. There are only so many times, for example, I can watch Darryl Hanah absently masturbating on a couch as a cock enters from the left of frame before I … well, watch a hundred more scenes just like it. Thank the Intelligent Designer that Gawker pays me so handsomely!

See how Rocco Siffredi upends our sensibilities after the gap. (Just don’t mention the title to PETA.)

. . .

The opening of European star Rocco Siffredi’s “Animal Trainer 24″ finds an artist painting two mesh-clad models, one adventurous, one overcome with Euro-ennui, as some homunculus emerges from a nearby stream and begins posing with them. If the whole continent hadn’t been ruined for me by “The Final Countdown,” I’d be on a plane there right now.

Eventually the painter gets in on the action, too, as the narrative demands.

The next scene joins the previous one in dispelling the myth that European porn actresses lack affect. The game Caty says, in English broken just the right way, that she “like to be this way.” She is slapped around with a penis as the narrative demands.

In the next scene, an artist colony setting, Siffredi surprises two nymphs spying on one of his muses. “Are you scared?” he says to one of them, holding out a ball gag. “You know what’s that.” Another man joins in.

“It’s too much!” says the muse.

“It’s not too much,” replies Siffredi.

Siffredi’s performers dive into each other like a bowl of spaghetti. They slap, they spit, they fall over themselves to get at each other. While the camera never seems to pan out far enough or stay anywhere long enough to provide the flesh landscapes Americans enjoy, what Rocco’s movies do is paint a picture of a place in which everyone and his brother - as well as a sea monster - get in on the action.

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· Evil Angel (evilangel.com)
· Buy “Rocco: Animal Trainer 24″ (tlavideo.com)

Original post by Gram Ponante

Granted, there are those who’d point out that there would never be a porn title called “White Sweeties,” and that specifying a performer as a “sweety” might imply that others of that race, gender, nationality, or creed aren’t sweeties. But I read this title as a shortening of “Sweeties Who Happen to Be Black,” much like I assume “Big-Titted Teens” isn’t a slam on my girlfriend, who happens to be a small-chested Samoan 19-year-old, but a sweety nonetheless.

So why are these women sweeties? Could it be that Aliana Love wears glasses? I know from personal experience that I am only kind to people because I have poor eyesight, in hopes that they won’t hide my lunch. Maybe that is why Aliana is a Black Sweety.

What about Amile Waters? While she might not have been the sweetest person at this event, Waters does lick her watch. I didn’t get it, but who am I, Sweety Pope?

Finally there was Misty Stone who, in addition to saying all the “shit!”s and “fuck!”s you’d expect in a porn movie, liberally peppered her pillowtalk with “Oh My Goodness!” I thought that was sweet.

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· Silver Sinema (silversinema.com)
· Buy “Black Sweeties” (gamelink.com)

Original post by Gram Ponante

According to polls conducted by the Bogue Chitto branch of the Fleshbot Research and Development Group, the most common ejaculation uttered at first sight of Jenny Hendrix is “Fuck Me” (emphasis added). So, though it might be a little on the nose (or somewhere south) to name a movie thusly, at least it is guaranteed popular appeal.

We can only wish that you, Fleshbot Readers, could know Jenny Hendrix the way we do. That is because her affected porn star vocal fry (”I want to fulfill your innermost fantasies”) sounds so different from the way she actually talks. Lucky for you, the movie captures her the way she actually looks, with a little sneer that would make Billy Idol jealous.

Despite the presence of someone else in the scene, Hendrix only has eyes for you, taking great pains (it is apparent) to look at the camera even as things are happening to her that would in anyone else require attention.

“I want to spit on that cock,” she says, not even consulting her Day Planner, “and make it nice and wet. And stick it all the way down my throat.”

She goes on:

“I want to get it nice and wet,” she says. “And spit on it.”

Then she tells you what else is on her agenda.

“I want that cock in my pussy,” she says, then gets to the point, “I want to get my pussy fucked” (emphasis not added).

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· Gazzman (gazzman.com)
· Buy “Fuck Me” (gamelink.com)

Original post by Gram Ponante